What do you call a man lying in front of a door? Matt.
I can’t wait for when my 2 months old son can eventually start walking and talking.
So that I can tell him to sit down and shut up.
My girlfriend found out I was cheating on her, after she found out all the letter I was hiding.
She got so mad that she said she’ll never play scrabble with me again.
Why is marriage like a hot bath?
Because once you get used to it, it’s really not so hot.
What is the difference between mother & wife?
One woman brings you into this world crying… and the other ensures you continue to do so.
I started reading a horror novel in braille recently.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
Wife: Do you want dinner?
Husband: Sure, what are my choices?
Wife: Yes or No.
If you wear an underwear inside out, the whole universe is wearing it except for you.
Recently I read so many horrible things about drinking and smoking. So I made a firm decision: NO MORE READING!
My wife asked me, “What do you like most in me? My pretty face or my sexy body?”
I looked at her from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor.