Me: Mom, can I watch TV?
Savage mom: You can, but don’t turn it on.
“Girl wishes me a happy birthday”
Brain cell 1: Say thank you!
Brain cell 2: Say thank you!
Mouth: Happy birthday to you too!
Can February March?
No, But April May.
My wife was feeling awfully sick when I got home from work. It was so bad I had to carry her to the kitchen so she could prepare dinner.
That awkward moment, one year into your marriage, when you realize the husband-wife jokes weren’t all jokes.
Having a boyfriend is great because I always have someone to gossip to and he won’t tell anyone because he wasn’t listening in the first place.
Last night I opened the windows and let the mosquitoes all inside. Then I closed the windows and slept outside. This is called “confusing the enemy”.
The human brain is amazing. It functions 24/7 from the day we are born and only stops when you are taking an exam or speaking to someone attractive.
What happens to the car if you press the brake and accelerator at the same time?
It takes a screenshot.
Women are so funny sometimes. They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.