Judge: Why on earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
Wife: Darling, would you save me if I jumped into the water?
Husband: Honey, if I say yes, will you jump?
Dear Math, I don’t want to solve your problem, I have my own problems to solve. Sincerely, students.
If a woman asks if she looks fat, it’s not enough to say “no”. You must also act very surprised by the question. Jump backwards if necessary.
The problem with this world is that wise people are full of doubt and dumbasses are full of confidence.
I didn’t want to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home all the signs were there!
“My memory is so bad.”
“How bad is it?”
“How bad is what?”
When a woman says something like “Do what you want” – seriously dude, don’t do what you want. Stand still as a statue. No blinking. Play dead.
(Walks into a bookstore)
Me: Do you have any books on turtles?
Staff: Hard back?
Me: Yes, with little heads.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow up because I’m still looking for ideas.